Hands firmly in my pockets!

So I've got a surprise week off this week. And being a surprise, I obviously haven't made any awesome plans for all this free time. Also, I've failed to put aside any funds for spontaneous holidays during surprise weeks off. Does that make me a shit life-planner? Probably.

So I find myself drinking too much tea and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself. Oh yeah! I have a blog! Forgot about that. And you probably forgot about that too since I've been inexcusably absent for the better part of two months? three months? Whatevs. I'M BACK! (for now) And I'm using this opportunity to rant about things that generally annoy me about life.

Today's subject of rantation: Being told for hands in my pockets.

At school I had a horrible uniform that had the one single benefit of Grand Canyon-depth pockets; perfect for holding all kinds of treasures! Pencils, reading specs, small books, lab goggles, protractor... yeah, I was a cool kid. But pockets were best for hiding the hands of a socially-awkward teenager.Well, at least I thought this is what pockets were for. Apparently I was wrong. Pockets in school uniforms are actually a devilish temptation sent to test the strength of my willpower. "Ladies", they say, don't put their hands in pockets. Well I've got some news for you, entire tradition of Catholic education:

BOOM!

It's been years since I've been at school so, "Why am I still annoyed at this?" you ask. Well, I've managed to land myself temporarily (fingers crossed) in a job where I'm treated like a six-year-old with short-term memory loss and attention deficit disorder. Now sometimes I can be childish, I may occasionally forget something you told me three seconds ago, and I am sporadically attracted to shiny things. But to assume that I constantly suffer all three ailments simultaneously? Simply unjust. 

The point I'm getting to is that once again, I find myself being told off for using the pockets that are conveniently located near the waist of my trousers. Being a mentally retarded six-year-old I obviously do not deserve an explanation for why this is bad practice. I must simply do as I'm told and not ask questions. But there are rumours floating around about what the reasons may be. 

First, there's the "lady" argument which was successfully disputed above. Then there's the "it doesn't look professional" argument. Hmm... 

These are some pretty professional looking people, right?

Another rumoured argument is that hands in pockets in unsanitary. To this I say, What the hell do you put in your pockets? And how rarely do you wash your trousers? I can think of several allowed behaviours that are infinitely more unsanitary than putting my hands in my pockets: riding the tube, using public toilets, shaking hands with a stranger, eating at McDonalds, and the list can go on... 

If I can guarantee you that:

a.) My understanding of a "lady" is not negated by hands in pockets, 

b.) I can act professional regardless of where my hands are (within reason. Get your minds out of the gutter!), and 

c.) my trousers are clean and my pockets are free from faeces, semen, and Ebola virus,

then can you get off my back and let me put my hands where I bloody-well please?!

I may never sleep again thanks to Charlie Brooker and Black Mirror

Did you watch Black Mirror? It was certainly the most interesting thing on tele this weekend and possibly the most talked about. Have no idea what I'm on about? Let me help you.

Black Mirror is an original drama mini-series on Channel 4 written by Charlie Brooker. It is satire for our contemporary media saturated society. The first episode, called The National Anthem, begins with the Prime Minister being woken in the wee hours to find that the nation's sweetheart princess has been kidnapped. Obviously this is a national crisis and the PM must respond. But the demand of the kidnapper is unusual to say the very least; the Prime Minister must have sex with a pig on live national television. The rest of the episode tells the story of how the Prime Minister, the press, and indeed the nation handle the crisis.

Scene from The National Anthem in 10 Downing Street

I usually think of Charlie Brooker as quite funny. But funny this was not. That's not a criticism. It was gripping, fascinating, emotional, realistic, confusing, disturbing, dramatic, thought-provoking... and on and on. I felt sick watching most of it. But I think that's the point. I think Brooker has done a good job here, not by creating a great piece of entertainment, but by telling a story that forces the audience to react. A story that, at the very centre, is about our relationship with media and the internet. It shows that in our world of Twitter and YouTube, the public is often flippant, and at worst cruel, about how our actions online affect the personal lives of public figures. In the end, (sorry spoiler!) the PMs career survives but his marriage does not. He's had to act to appease the public and in doing so ruined his previously good relationship with his wife.

There is so much more that can be said about Black Mirror. I think this first episode was truly amazing and I am still processing my own reaction. I'd certainly recommend that you watch it. But that also comes with a warning that it can be uncomfortable viewing. If you're in the UK you can watch it on 4OD here. And you can tune in to Channel 4 next Sunday at 21:00 for episode 2. If you're not in the UK, I'm really sorry because it is good television. I'm interested to see what next week will bring us.

Wednesday Friendsday

This weeks list of things I find on the Internet is friend-themed. (in the loosest sense of the word "themed").

1.) The Democratic Republic of Facebook
We all know friends aren't real unless they are on Facebook. This article is a little reminder that while we may love Facebook, we may spend ridiculous amounts of time allowing it to consume our lives, we may use it as a tool for everything from chatting up that hottie we saw on the train to sending wedding invites. But Facebook doesn't belong to us. It is not ours. We belong to it. Important lesson here!

2.) Magic Brownie Adventure Movie
Have there ever been two better friends in history than Cheech and Chong? I mean, they are the epitome of friendship. Now here is a "film trailer"-come-advert that highlights the significant role of Brownies in friendship (and digestive systems).

3.) New Condoms
I wouldn't want to alienate any part of my audience by appealing only to platonic friends. This one is for the "special friends". It is a tumblr that puts brand slogans on condoms. Now wouldn't you rather have one of these than a JLS face on your rubber?

4.) The Adventures of Tom & Atticus
Nothing compares to the friendship between a man and his dog. Here's a blog about a guy following his dog around a bunch of mountains. It is really sweet and sometimes funny. And when all else fails, cute pictures of a dog.

Happy Wednesday! Go make some friends.

Put Down Your Phone!

All of our lives rely on technology. We can't live without it. And don't even try to say "Oh no! I hate the way technology rules our lives!" You love it. If your phone goes a whole hour without going bu-deep for a text/tweet/facebook/email, you start to fidget and worry: "Why doesn't anyone want to be in touch with me?" Don't deny it. We're all guilty.

With that said, I'd like to now say: I hate the way technology rules our lives!

From here

Recently I was chatting with a friend who works for a big international accounting firm. She is debating now whether or not she ought to get a smart phone on the company. At first I was a bit taken aback. What do you mean debating? Everyone has a smart phone! Especially every high level professional. It seemed that this decision was like ten years too late. Today the answer is obvious: smart phone = happiness. Right? Apparently not.

She explained to me that the pros are the usual; clients can be in touch at any time, she can work while she's not at work, etc (these don't always sound like pros, but you know what I mean). But the cons are things I hadn't thought about before. The biggest being confidentiality. Naturally, working with high profile clients she is privy to some accounting information that really ought not to be public knowledge. All of her correspondence about client portfolios is strictly confidential. This means that even having her work-phone on her at a social event is a big risk.

I know that since half the population all have identical Blackberrys, I've many a time picked up the wrong phone thinking it is mine. But when your phone holds sensitive information this is a big deal. She said that even if her phone was lost or stolen she would be liable for any information that was potentially stolen. So she's torn. On the one hand her bosses and clients want to be able to be in touch 24/7, and she works hard and wants to make them happy. On the other hand, there is this massive risk of breaking confidentiality agreements and screwing up her entire career. This makes me hate technology!

Why do we all have the SAME phone?
From here

Another friend of mine is currently on a rant and rave about the total lack of real social interaction. And here she has got a real point! She is (as am I) fed up with trying to talk to people in person while they refuse to tear their eyes away from Angry Birds. Fed up with trying to organise a coffee date with a friend who is more concerned with boosting their Bbm contact list into triple digits than actually having a meaningful conversation with someone. I've got to admit that I've got a couple of ex-friends that landed in that ex-category not because they are bad people, but because I've sat through entire dinners where no more than three words were said to me, the person sitting in front of them, because there was a continuous stream of texting that was WAY more important.

This woman should have never been given a microphone
From here

Many of us find these things annoying, and more of us are guilty than we think. I know I am guilty even though I try not to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself: Put the phone down. Turn off the computer. Whatever it is, it can wait. The irony is that the above conversation is happening over facebook, and I'm sitting at my computer ranting away. Does this make me a hypocrite? Maybe. Truly I love the internet. I love Facebook. I love my Blackberry. I couldn't live without Google or email or blogs. Ultimately, I think we all need these things in our lives. But we also need to remember that they can be great and awful at the same time.

Lessons Learned in London

This weekend I went to London for a long weekend to lime with some of the famjam. I always love London, it is such a great city. But I especially love a great city with great company. Cleverness and Funnyness runs in the family, which is exactly why we get to use words like "cleverness" and "funnyness". As a result, I always learn some cool things with the cousins...


The Best Way to Listen
The best way to prove that you are listening to all very interesting conversations is to repeat the last word that has been said. Here's an example:
talker: bla bla bla bla baby!
listener: Baby?
talker: YES! bla bla bla four years old.
listener: Four?
talker: Can you believe it? bla bla bla so cute.
listener: Cute!
This can carry a conversation for hours. Proven Effective.

The Worst Way to get to street level
So most tube stations have escalators, but many only have lifts. This is incredibly annoying especially when only one of three lifts is working in a very busy station. In a true exhibition of the family Cleverness, we took the stairs... many, many stairs... 192 stairs. We rewarded ourselves with alcohol, so it was ok in the end.

How to Send Postcards and Write a Journal
The London visit was actually to meet the cousin at the end of a Grand European Tour! complete with history and education and food and drinks. When you go on a very exciting holiday and see very exciting things there are two things you must do: show off your cool adventures to all your poor friends stuck at home, and write detailed memoirs so you can remember your travels for the rest of your life. The inherent problem with this is that when you are on a very exciting holiday and seeing very exciting things, there is absolutely no time to do either of these things. The solution: post-hoc sentiments. Proven Effective.

Here is a photo:

In case you didn't know what London looks like. Taken from here.

Evaluation of the weekend: It was nice.